DEATH TAKES BISHOP
In universally-welcomed news, paedo and murderer Russell Bishop has died of brain cancer, aged 55. In 1986, he molested and killed two 9-year-old girls in what is now referred to as the “Babes in the Woods murders” in a nod to the cautionary children’s tale. The prosecution extensively bungled their investigation, failing to note the body temperatures of the corpses and not analysing the fingerprints or blood markings on the victims. That ineptitude, coupled with his girlfriend providing false testimony over his sweatshirt (a crucial piece of evidence), meant Bishop was acquitted of the crime. The monster then molested another child three years later, who mercifully survived. He did get convicted for this crime, and rotted in prison since.
30 years later, changes in crime legislation and advances in forensics saw a late 2018 retrial of the Babes in the Woods case. Despite depraved defence tactics, such as Bishop’s team trying to pin the crime on one of the victim’s fathers, the DNA evidence was now overwhelming and unambiguous against Bishop. He was found guilty, and his victims’ families were finally able to find peace. All the moreso now that a brain tumour has swiftly killed him.
Prisoners are infamously dodgy as DDP picks, but if one was picked by most of the title contenders then you knew he was really dying. A strong showing among these players allowed him to make the Drop 40, of which he’s the third faller. Shaun of the Dead 69 and Smart Beta maintain their leads, while The Living End and Carkers Convention are among those to hit joker points. Veteran dark horse The Misers are one of several to get their first hit, and also scoring is me. Just like when my man Alex Trebek was promptly followed by the Yorkshire Ripper, the Reaper must have wanted to apologise to me over Ronnie Spector. And as Ronnie herself once said, the best part of breaking up is when you’re making up…
And days later the furnace downstairs had another piece of wood chucked in! Fellow serial rapist scumbag Mustafa Kayirici, behind a grisly 2016 spree in Sydney, died in prison aged 31. The Kaya-risky pick pays off for six teams, with Smart Beta breaking into a standalone lead and bastard-heavy theme team Pazuzu Bad Boys hitting their joker and a third hit overall. We frankly wish them a clean sweep!
Russell Bishop
9 February 1966 – 20 January 2022, aged 55
35 TEAMS (💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 + 40 = 12 POINTS, 🃏 (x9) 24 POINTS)
Mustafa Kayirici
c. 1990 – 25 January 2022, aged 31
6 TEAMS (💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 10 POINTS, 🃏 (x1) 20 POINTS)