JESUS CHRIST, SUPERSTAR!
It’s another sign that we’re all hurtling towards death when the foremost “I totally have months to live, you guys, plz pray and donate to my GoFundMe” drama queen of the past decade has finally thrown in the towel, brother. Pro wrestler and pro bullshitter Superstar Billy Graham had piqued deadpoolers’ interest in 2010 when he proclaimed his forthcoming demise due to liver issues. Then… he didn’t die. But fear not, in the years since he would claim he was about to die due to further liver issues, pneumonia, heart failure, kidney failure, lung failure, diabetes, toe amputations, internal bleeding, infections, COVID, boneitis, shark attacks, a mistimed bungee jump into a volcano, and prolonged exposure to Osmonds records. None of that did the trick. It was only when multiple organs tag teamed to knock Superstar out aged 79 did our crying boy finally meet his wolf.
Of course, none of that attention whoring would’ve gotten any press if he was some random jobber. Superstar lived up to his bombastic name as a wrestler, if not as a person. Eldridge Coleman was a leading bodybuilder and Ahnuld confidante when he decided to take up wrestling. He assumed the stage name Superstar Billy Graham in homage to Reverend Billy Graham, in a nod to both his devout Christian faith and his taking for-fucking-ever to die. Superstar was a dynamo in the ring with a flamboyant, boisterous charisma quite unlike any wrestler before him. The Superstar package – roided beefy physique, blonde locks, vibrant multicolour outfits, feather boas, Ali-inspired trash talk peppered with “brother”s – set the blueprint for Hulk Hogan and Jesse Ventura, and proved so popular that he wrested the WWWF Championship belt from Bruno Sammartino in 1977.
Graham lost the title the next year to Bob Backlund, and by the 80s his roid-ravaged body gave in and he retired from the ring. His position in wrestling history is undeniable, and he was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2004. But as one might anticipate from someone with his track record of health exaggerations, the man himself was a shitter. He led the steroid charge in the wrestling industry years before he joined the WWF, yet sued the WWF in the 90s over the steroid plague while absolving himself of blame. Even more odious was he claimed to witness WWF employees sexually abusing children – years later, he fessed up that he made up the allegations in attempt to extort hush money from Vince McMahon. He’d frequently get into verbal quarrels with other wrestlers, and, for icing on the cake, would often accuse them of exaggerating their health issues.
There is an Aesopian overture to Superstar Billy Graham’s end, where after years of overdramatising manageable health issues, he was hospitalised with the string of ailments that ultimately killed him: Instead of slipping quickly and peacefully, his wife Zsa Zsa-ed him into a months-long deterioration and had doctors attempt major hip surgery on him in a feebly weakened state. And now, this Superstar’s not really here, it’s just the radio. The one-time popular DDP differential dwindled to two selections this year, with Funeral Director 2023 and obligatory wrestling squad Grappling with Mortality keeping the faith.
Superstar Billy Graham
7 June 1943 – 17 May 2023, aged 79
2 TEAMS (💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 7 POINTS)