TIE THE PAEDO DOWN, SPORT
“Can you tell what it is yet?” told Satan to Rolf Harris, as he unveiled the paedo polymath’s final destination. Yep, one of the most anticipated deaths of the year has finally arrived, with space waster Rolf Harris wobbling off into Hell aged 93.
In a sense, Rolf Harris died twice. The Aussie-born, multi-faceted entertainer was long cherished in multiple spheres of entertainment. Musically, he implemented quirky instruments such as the digeridoo and his self-invented wobble board on hits like his signature earworm “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport” (his only real claim to fame in the US), UK charttopper “Two Little Boys” (eugh), and a wobbly cover of “Stairway to Heaven” (where he ain’t going). His rapid-fire artstyle was such a crowd pleaser (if not a critic pleaser) that he hosted multiple children’s programmes predicated on his Rolfaroo and mystery drawings, and he later painted an official portrait of the Queen for Her Maj’s 80th birthday.
It was the perfect front. Harris’s charmingly silly image made him one of the safest entertainers around, one who children could rely on in case something seemed off about that Savile chap. Such was this image that he hosted PSA Kids Can Say No! to advise young children how to avoid sexual predators.
Then Yewtree happened, and the façade came crumbling down.
Whereas many a Yewtree predator had warning signs of dodginess, the notion of Rolf Harris being a serial sexual predator seemed preposterous. But it was all too real. Since at least the late 60s, he had been sexually abusing girls as young as eight, including a schoolfriend of his daughter. He was convicted on 12 counts and jailed in 2014, and consequentially stripped of many prior honours. After his 2017 release, he spent the rest of his days as a miserable, reclusive pariah. His paedophilia was his legacy, and the media, in a rare case of getting it right, emphasised it front and center after his death was publicised.
Had the real Rolf Harris been anything like the Rolf Harris we thought we knew for decades, his death would’ve prompted a Cribbins-esque mourning. Instead, the news he was gravely ill with neck cancer was met with unanimous jubilation and secured one of the most consensus picks of the year. A mysterious ambulance was spotted at his home earlier in the month, and now that the media can tell what it was – picking up Rolf’s corpse – 147 teams rejoice in his digeridoom. 9 out of the top 10 had him, while those drawing their first hit include Bladerunner, Feng Shui Pig, and Shame Thatcher Can’t Die Twice.
Rolf Harris
30 March 1930 – 10 May 2023, aged 93
147 TEAMS (💀💀💀💀💀 + 40 = 8 POINTS, 🃏 (x14) 16 POINTS)