COLONEL POPPED
In charting Elvis Presley’s rise and fall from humble Mississippi lad to genre-defining cultural phenomenon to pill-popping lardarse, no other name was as pivotal as his manager, Colonel Tom Parker. The enigmatic Dutchman illegally immigrated to the US and long cloaked his true origins, portraying himself as a southern gent and promoting famous country singers prior to discovering the King. Parker’s larger-than-life character rivaled even his hip-swiveling client, and he cut a controversial figure for both micromanaging essentially every aspect of Elvis’s image, career, and even personal life, and taking up to 50% of his profits. All the dubious financial gain was for naught in the end, with most of Parker’s earnings later squandered on a gambling addiction.
To public knowledge, Parker died in 1997. Unbeknownst to everyone, he faked his death just like Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa and discovered the fountain of youth. He reemerged as a young Brit, kept his name, and became a member of boy band The Wanted. Popular in the early 2010s in the UK and Ireland, they topped the UK charts twice with “All Time Low” and “Glad You Came”. They fizzled out of newsworthiness shortly afterwards, only to return to relevancy in 2020 when Parker was hit with the dreaded glioblastoma, which has now led to his irreversible death.
Parker was highly Wanted in the DDP in his final two years as a ginormously popular Drop 40 inhabitant. Lots of contenders jokered him in 2021, including eventual winner Salmon Mousse. A lot of these top teams dropped him this year after wintertime reports he was stable, continuing an eternal deadpooling curse. Among the competitors who held on include the new top three – DDP Tofoa, Banana’s Peel Slippers, and David Quantick’s Showbiz Pals. Spade now opens up a 21-point lead, and is the first player this year to break the 100-point barrier. Can he be caught?
And now that you all know the true story, why are we treating Tom Parker as if he was 33 and not 112? Simple. We can’t have the Memphis Mafia on our tails, lest they turn us into the Tennessee None!
Tom Parker
4 August 1988 – 30 March 2022, aged 33
106 TEAMS (💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 + 40 = 13 POINTS, 🃏 (x17) 26 POINTS)