THE CHILLIEST ILLEIST
Bob Dole has died at the age of 98, after many months of suffering from lung cancer. Bob Dole had an interesting and storied life that Bob Dole was proud of. Bob Dole served Bob Dole’s country in WWII, but almost died from gunfire on the battlefield and largely lost usage of Bob Dole’s arms. Bob Dole didn’t like that. Bob Dole had to carry a pen around just so people knew not to shake Bob Dole’s hand. But the war also made Bob Dole a hero. It got Bob Dole some neat shiny medals. Bob Dole should’ve died then, but Bob Dole persevered, and Bob Dole’s life of service was just beginning.
Entering politics as a Republican, Bob Dole would serve America and Bob Dole’s home state of Kansas for decades more, first as a representative and more prominently as a senator, where Bob Dole started off as a firebrand conservative and ended as a somewhat-more-conciliatory Majority Leader. Gerald Ford picked Bob Dole as his running mate in 1976. Jerry was a truly great man. He loved falling down almost as much as Bob Dole loved saying Bob Dole. But Jimmy Carter won. Bob Dole didn’t like that.
But Bob Dole didn’t give up easy. If Bob Dole couldn’t be vice president, then by golly, Bob Dole was going to be president. Come 1996, Bob Dole was in for a rude awakening. Folks, if you thought Democrats had a monopoly on uninspiring losing presidential campaigns, Bob Dole would like to have a word with you. Bob Dole learned that Bob Dole was a sacrificial lamb against Bill Clinton. Not even adapting Sam & Dave’s classic hit into “I’m a Dole Man” could save Bob Dole. Bill Clinton crushed Bob Dole. Bob Dole didn’t like that.
Bob Dole meandered in the wilderness for a few years after Bob Dole’s political career ended. Bob Dole needed a new passion to give Bob Dole’s life purpose again. Bob Dole got just that. The male impotency crisis took America by storm, but no politician wanted to take it on. It was Bob Dole’s time to shine again as a Viagra spokesman. Golly, it was the bravest thing Bob Dole did since WWII. Then Bob Dole got abducted by aliens. Bob Dole didn’t like that.
Bob Dole spent Bob Dole’s final years looking like a corpse, getting up from Bob Dole’s wheelchair to salute other elderly politicians Bob Dole somehow outlived, and being cited by the public as a “good ol’ days” bygone figure of US politics. Bob Dole supported Trump, but Bob Dole also admitted Trump lost last year, so Bob Dole hopes this convinces you that Bob Dole was moderate for a Republican. Bob Dole then got lung cancer this February. Bob Dole really didn’t like that. But Bob Dole was a fighter until the end (or maybe all the Viagra kept Bob Dole going) and lived until December, and in a final act of service, Bob Dole died in early December rather than on the 27th or something to make Grim Up North’s headache far more bearable.
Bob Dole will never forget you fine people of the Derby Dead Pool. So many of you picked Bob Dole, 64 of you, Bob Dole has tears in Bob Dole’s eyes. Old, old timers JoeRam and Mr C, returning veteran STAB-in-the-DARK, Deathlist.net, some political theme teams, top-20-ers theoldlady and Girlfriend in a coma, and Salmon Mousse, who extends his DDP lead with under a month to go. Bob Dole might finally know what it’s like to be part of a winning team… Bob Dole likes this!
Bob Dole
22 July 1923 – 5 December 2021, aged 98
64 TEAMS (💀💀💀💀💀 + 40 = 8 POINTS, 🃏 (x1) 16 POINTS)