FEINSTEIN’S THEORY OF NO LUCIDITY
In the beginning, there was darkness. Then Dianne Feinstein turned on her lamp. Feinstein was well known as a doddery member of the senate, specifically the Roman Senate, where she was believed to have won her seat in a campaign that highlighted her discovery of fire and ties to Fred Flintstone. She was one of Julius Caesar’s many assassins, but it didn’t hurt her reputation, and after surviving the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius she found time to contribute to the Magna Carta.
She sailed the seas with Columbus, inspired one of the 95 Theses, and helped deliver Clive Dunn. Elsewhere she dated King Henry VIII, attended Beethoven concerts, and fought at Waterloo. She also remembered when they first invented chocolate, and she always hated it. She eventually called America her home, and was by Thomas Jefferson’s side when he died. She doddled to John Adams’s home to tell him the news, only to find out he died too when she got there. As the last person alive to know the Founding Fathers firsthand, she was an invaluable insight as to what they would think of current political issues. Her response was typically to drool and gesture half-alertedly towards a toaster.
She was at Ford’s Theater when Lincoln was shot, though it was another set of assassinations that shaped the final phase of her storied career – San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and City Supervisor Harvey Milk. Feinstein was Moscone’s deputy and took the seat upon his death. She became a popular mayor and soon enough was elected senator from California. In recent years, her brain in a jar’s synapses could be manipulated by her aides to light up “aye” or “nay” on the senate floor.
Among the many statements of tribute from politicians across the aisle included Mitch McConnell shaking up and glaring a vacant stare, Chuck Grassley chortling that “I will alwys remembr when my pidgin peked at her ear lobez”, and Jimmy Carter lamenting he’ll have to look for a new backup squeeze once Rosalynn goes. She was 90, give or take an aeon, and would be a likely landslide pick had she creaked on to 2024. Instead she has to settle for a dozen teams, including joker points for Dying Donkeys.
22 June 1933 – 29 September 2023, aged 90
12 TEAMS (💀💀💀💀💀 5 POINTS, 🃏 (x1) 10 POINTS)