Another eight souls to weigh and measure this week alongside Theo Burrell:
Media
Two media figures are up first, starting with Australian Derryn Hinch. He made his name with right-leaning newspaper columns, television talk shows and, most prominently, radio programs. He often courted controversy with the public, naming and shaming sex offenders on air even where some of them still had pending trials. He also spent most of his career believing he’d slept with a fifteen year old when he was in his thirties, but didn’t seem quite as keen to go to the police about it for some reason. Thank god it later transpired she actually seventeen all along!
He also served a three year spell in the Australian Senate but achieved nothing of note and got promptly turfed out come the 2019 election. He nearly corked it in the late 00’s when his liver shriveled up and died but a successful transplant led to a full recovery and it’s plain old natural causes that’s claimed him instead, scoring six points.
Dermot Murnaghan also checked out after losing his battle with prostate cancer at 68. He worked as a news presenter with all four of the BBC, ITV, Channel 4 and Sky News over his career. He was one of the main announcers of the death of both Diana, Princess of Wales (first confirmed List of the Missed inhabitant if you didn’t know!) and Queen Elizabeth II. He was also notable for an interview with Labour’s Trade and Industry secretary in 1998 regarding discrepancies in a mortgage application. Said secretary had to resign in disgrace, never to be heard from again. Or so Keir Starmer no doubt wishes were the case. And if all that doesn’t ring a bell you’ll surely remember his ten years hosting daytime quiz show Eggheads.
Dermot announced his Stage IV diagnosis just over a year ago, stating he was responding well to treatment and advising men not to dally in getting screenings once you get the wrong side of 50. Seventeen teams seem to have decided not to trust the news on this occasion however, and he won the honour of a joker nomination for Stone Dead Cert. He’s also the latest in a very profitable summer for Once You Go Black, who make it to joint seventh as a result.
Music
It’s a heartache for 80’s fans as Bonnie Tyler stops holding out following a lengthy hospital stay for a perforated intestine. She first came to notice in the late seventies with her debut album The World Starts Tonight before going on to be one of the poster children for 80’s power ballads. Her career peaked in 1983, with the album Faster than the Speed of Night selling absolute stonks in North America, with several other singles and albums across the decade going anywhere from silver to platinum. Her chart successes ended in the 90’s when the entire world suddenly developed a terrible taste in music and turned away from ballads, but she continued recording while building something of a real estate empire on the side.
Tyler spent most of her life living in Portugal, and met her end in Faro just a couple of weeks after coming out of an induced coma. With no previous health issues and being just 75, she flew right past the notice of most and gets the first eleven points of the year for Rotting Kanzlerin.
Politics
In an ongoing and mysterious turn of events, former MP for Maidstone, reality TV star, and raging bigot defender of traditional values Ann Widdecombe has been found allegedly murdered in her Dartmoor home. She spent most of her career on the backbenches for the Conservatives before moving over to the Brexit Party/Reform UK later on. Her no nonsense attitude made her a gift for various panel shows as the years went by, and she made it to the quarter finals of Strictly Come Dancing in 2010 entirely for entertainment value over dancing ability. With the motives behind her death still very unclear as yet, her supporters can at least take solace in having caught several leftie political commentators being a bit premature with their grave dancing. It’s a bonus three points to make eleven total, for two teams.
Science
Trailblazing aviator Wally Funk has become the last of the Mercury 13 astronaut candidates to finally make it to the heavens at the age of 87. With NASA’s initial recruits for the astronaut program focusing on military test pilots, women were excluded by default in the early years. The Mercury 13 were a privately funded all-female group who successfully undertook the initial tests that all the men had passed but once the program needed to start using official facilities to proceed it was quickly shut down. Not a great look given that the Soviets had put Valentina Tereshkova into orbit as early as 1963. Funk kept trying with NASA as the years went by but her lack of an engineering degree was the next barrier once women started being admitted. She finally realized her dream in 2021 with Blue Origin, becoming the oldest person to escape the atmosphere and still holding the record as the oldest woman to do so. She scores the first six points of the year for the astronautical themed Apollogies For Still Living and Decaying Orbit-uaries.
Sport
Ken Bates had already made his fortune in life before deciding to return to his childhood love of football. Purchasing Chelsea F.C. for just £1 in 1982, he would run the club for over two decades before selling it to Roman Abramovich for tidy £16,999,999 profit and ushering in the era of such absurd wealth in the sport. A controversial loudmouth who cared not a wit for any offense caused, his genius plan in 1985 to deter unruly hooligans from the pitch with electric fences was sadly denied by the local council.
He’d later be known for utterly failing to repeat the same financial turnaround for Leeds, criticizing abuse victims for being too scared to name their attackers, and living out his days as a tax exile in Monaco. Yes, I was indeed a huge fan of the man. Five points go to four teams, and he notably combines with Burrell to put the natural world themed Nature’s Way to the top of the Theme League. The Ken river in China perhaps?
Television and Radio
Antoinette Bower is the first of our small screen stars to report this week, picking up a very belated QO from the Metro after dying under the radar back in April. She had a steady career of guest roles and bit parts, Star Trek and The Twilight Zone being the shows still in the public consciousness. She’s the third “A” to fall for Final Adieu, and her role in Time Walker also got her a nod from MST3K Massacre due to said film being the focus of episode 405 of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
The longest serving soap actor ever, Patricia Greene, was the second to go. She voiced Jill Archer on Radio 4’s The Archers for sixty-nine years, continuing to do so even after moving into a care home in 2023. Four points go to three teams.
Scores
| Name | Age | Date of Death | Teams and Scores |
| Antoinette Bower | 93 | April 30 | 2 Teams 💀💀💀💀 = 4 Points |
| Wally Funk | 87 | July 8 | 2 Teams 💀💀💀💀💀💀 = 6 Points |
| Bonnie Tyler | 75 | July 8 | Rotting Kanzlerin 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀+👻 = 11 Points |
| Patricia Greene | 95 | July 9 | 3 Teams 💀💀💀💀💀 = 5 Points |
| Ann Widdecombe | 78 | July 9 | 2 Teams 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀+😲 = 11 points |
| Derryn Hinch | 82 | July 10 | 3 Teams 💀💀💀💀💀💀= 6 points |
| Ken Bates | 94 | July 11 | 4 Teams 💀💀💀💀💀 = 5 Points |
| Dermot Murnaghan | 68 | July 11 | 16 Teams 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 = 8 Points Stone Dead Cert 🃏 = 16 Points |