It’s another bumper week as nine more souls head to the afterlife:
Film
We start with noted western actor Matt Clark, who has died following complications from surgery at 89. If you’re a millennial like myself, you’ll probably know him best as either Chester the bartender in Back to the Future’s third chapter, or Uncle Henry from 1985 cult masterpiece Return to Oz. He notches nine points for ZZ Topped: Heaven, Hell or Houston.
Secondly, and needing no introduction whatsoever, we have none other than Chuck Norris. He started out in martial arts, holding several black belts and founding two different disciplines. He took this expertise into Hollywood in the 1960’s, and he got his big break in The Way of the Dragon when Bruce Lee got him a role as one of the main villains. A career in modest action hits over the next two decades followed that cemented his reputation as one of the big 80’s action stars, as well as a long running lead role in 90’s show Walker, Texas Ranger.
He was also a deeply religious and committed nationalist in his personal life, with some very unfortunate political leanings, but what he’s really remembered for now are early internet meme-fest Chuck Norris Facts. Starting off as jokes on the Something Awful forums about Vin Diesel, they exploded in popularity once the subject was switched to Chuck’s answer to any problem being a roundhouse kick, or the inability of the cosmos to comprehend his perfect beard.
Most deadpoolers were clearly too scared to consider such a badass for inclusion in their teams, but not so for Departures Board who score ten points as a result. Reports that Departures Board have since been roundhouse kicked from beyond the grave into a different dimension are unconfirmed at time of writing.
Law
The bigger name of our two lawmen to check out this week is Donald Trump’s favourite person, Robert Mueller. Mueller spent his early career in various legal jobs both private and public, making it up to Assistant Attorney General and being the prosecutor for several high profile cases such as the Lockerbie bombings, and the prosecution of Gambino mob boss John Gotti. He was then appointed as the director of the FBI, just one week shy of 9/11 and so spent the 00’s as a major figure in the War on Terror.
He returned to the private sector after this, but due to his respected reputation went on to accept an appointment to head the DoJ investigation into alleged Russian interference in the 2016 Presidential Election. He had bipartisan support in the early days but once it became clear that everyone up to Trump himself were being investigated, he became the main boogeyman for the MAGA crowd. Several members of Trump’s campaign and beyond were convicted on various charges, though the report stopped short of either condemning or exonerating the big man himself, citing a sitting President’s immunity to criminal prosecution.
His death from Parkinson’s results in six points for four teams, and a predictably classy celebrations from Trump on social media dancing on his grave.
The gavel has also come down for The Honorable Sir Anthony Mason at the age of 100. He served as the 9th Chief Justice of Australia, and played a small role beforehand in the 1975 constitutional crisis, with some poorly-heeded advice to the governor-general on how to legally sack the prime minister.
Literature
Acclaimed spy novelist Len Deighton has passed away at the age of 97 and was the most popular pick this week, hitting for seven teams. His first novel, The IPRCESS File was an instant smash hit and went on to sell over 2.5 million copies. It was followed by two sequels, several other espionage series, non-fiction books and multiple film, TV and radio adaptations. He also went on to state that he hated writing and it was a mug’s game, so if you’re an aspiring novelist yourself, don’t bother!
Media
Calvin Tomkins was a journalist and author who spent his entire career writing for the The New Yorker as an art critic, also penning multiple books and biopics on the subject. Random trivia: had an embarrassing grandad in the white supremacist John Temple Graves!
Religion
The longest serving Patriarch of the Georgian Orthodox Church, Ilia II, has died following a hospitalization for gastrointestinal bleeding. He got the job in 1977 and oversaw a huge increase in church membership and political and social influence in Georgia in the years following the collapse of the Soviet Union. While seen as one of the most trusted public figures Georgia for most of his tenure, he was a hardline conservative who detested “western” concepts of liberalism, and general opinion of the church overall went down in recent years among the younger, pro-European demographics. He’s a unique hit and gets the first nine points of the year for The Marvelous Pneumonia Squad.
Science
Switching from theology to biology we have Paul R. Ehrlich, an environmental scientist and author who’s most well known for his controversial book The Population Bomb. It was actually co-written with his wife, but the publisher insisted on only one name on the cover, so he nobly took the spot for both of them. Their warnings of impending, apocalyptic mass-starvation for the human race never quite materialized, leading to much mocking from the community for an inability to raise legitimate concerns without turning to hysteria. His death from cancer gets a unique hit for Rigor Mort Us.
Television and Radio
We finish off with the world of broadcasting, where it’s radio silence for good for Dame Jenni Murray. She spent 33 years presenting Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour, which came to an end under a bit of a cloud due to her fairly rigid beliefs on what the definition of a woman actually was. It didn’t help her case much when she went crying to the Daily Mail later about getting cancelled, either. Well Jenni, your the only woman for us in this otherwise sausage-fest of a write-up! Despite such a long standing career, she escaped the notice of all teams bar the TERF-themed Trans Girls Hit Squad’s Hit List, for a solid eleven points.
Scores
| Name and Age | Date of Death | Teams and Scores |
| Jenni Murray | March 12 | Trans Girls Hit Squad’s Hit List 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀+👻 = 11 Points |
| Paul R. Ehrlich, 93 | March 13 | Rigor Mort Us 💀💀💀💀💀+👻 = 9 Points |
| Matt Clark, 89 | March 15 | ZZ Topped: Heaven, Hell or Houston 💀💀💀💀💀💀+👻 = 10 Points |
| Len Deighton, 97 | March 16 | 7 Teams 💀💀💀💀💀 = 5 Points |
| Ilia II of Georgia, 93 | March 17 | The Marvelous Pneumonia Squad 💀💀💀💀💀+👻 = 9 Points |
| Anthony Mason, 100 | March 17 | 2 Teams 💀💀💀💀 = 4 Points |
| Chuck Norris, 86 | March 19 | Departures Board 💀💀💀💀💀💀+👻 = 10 Points |
| Calvin Tomkins, 100 | March 20 | 2 Teams 💀💀💀💀 = 4 Points |
| Robert Mueller, 81 | March 20 | 4 Teams 💀💀💀💀💀💀 = 6 Points |